It's just like the present, to be showing up like this.

A child needs a grandparent, to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world.
(Charles and Ann Morse)

Sometimes I completely forget that I’m half-way around the world. But then- I remember when I hop online to buy a domestic plane ticket up to Bangkok for a weekend, that I’m not in Ohio anymore. I remember when I stop and actually listen to everyone around me- ‘why, they’re not speaking English!!’ I remember when I bum out that I can’t celebrate Rachel Hook’s birthday with her at The Receiver show. (Happiest Birthday soon, dear friend!) And unfortunately, I remembered this week when I lost my grandfather. I wanted (and if I’m honest, still want) nothing more than to be home.

My grandfather, Floyd Buchanan, was not a man I knew well. In fact, it’s just been over the past few years that I began seeing him again annually. My brother and I tagged him as a ‘fictional character’ in regards to his funny antics. He was a slow moving, jokester, to say the least: a grandpa. I remember the things he’d love to say to me (include thick accent, please), “Girl, there ain’t nothin’ to you.” Or, “How much do you weigh?” And of course, “You look just like your mama.” He had a way of complimenting me, and putting a smile on my face.

I have warm memories of spending time with my brother, cousins, and Aunt, in Southern Missoura where my grandfather lived. We rode four wheelers that were far too large for our little bodies. I learned to drive a go-kart. We ate dozens of What-cha-ma-kulits. And because I was the youngest- I found the movies we watched to be terrifying, while no one else really did (Children of the Corn, Kujo). And it was in Missouri that I’d adopt a southern accent naturally, for a few weeks. My grandfather undoubtedly accompanies each and every one of those distant memories.

More than anything, my grandfather was the father of my father- he is my flesh and blood- my family. And the only people in our lives that we cannot choose, are our families. God chooses them for us. It sets them apart, by far. He has woven our ancestors, the parents of our parents, into the tapestry of our lives, and we are who we are, because of them. I feel a certain awe when I think of my grandparents in this light. And to put it simply, I am sad that he is gone.

My dad says that my grandfather is in heaven, and he’s as young as he’s ever been. I will celebrate and be confident in this.